Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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