first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
