In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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