no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
