I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
