The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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