I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
