I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
