I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
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