dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
