happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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