Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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