Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
the day after is always just damage control
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
