Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
