I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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