i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
