Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
