I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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