Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She told me I should be a condom model.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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