i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
ttyl tear gas
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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