Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
