My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
