I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize