Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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