how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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