She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
