When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
