also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize