did you get engaged???
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
