Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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