I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
