He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
The best revenge is premature balding
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
