the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
