who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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