eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
