Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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