I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
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