i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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