so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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