I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
