R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
