The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
