Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
how drunk are you?
Several
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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