there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
