I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
