when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
It's like God shit irony all over that family
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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