The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
