i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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