HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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