I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The feeling are messing with the penis
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
