i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
