Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
