wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
