My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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