Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
