If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
