good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize