I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
