Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Randomize
