Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
