i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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