if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
