Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
