it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
this just has baby written all over it
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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