Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
