Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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