please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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